My Rejected Superheroes’ Powers

The Internet Asked for it. I gave my reject superheroes actual super powers.

Original Post at: My Rejected Superhero Ideas

Chapstick Girl

Her Chapstick is also a truth serum! She has an autodetector of mouth dryness in her own mouth but can only tell the dryness of the lips of others by kissing.

Still waiting to be kissed.

Kinda Have Anxiety But Not Clinically Girl

She poops anti-anxiety medication on command. But only the beta blocker propanolol. She doesn’t want to get the kids addicted to xanax and also no one would give her a prescription for the hard stuff because she’s in intensive therapy right now for compulsive knitting.

Eats her own meds. But only once every 24 hours because she always follows directions.

Health Nut

If she gets her arms around you she can sense your blood pressure, heart rate, and BMI. She has encyclopedic knowledge of how to reduce all those, which she got when her abusive dad told her she had to become a doctor or else he would beat her.

Instead of studying, she went running by the quarry and was bitten by the buffest radioactive chipmunk you’ve ever seen. She absorbed its powers and left with super memory and a six pack.

iPhone Promoter

She can block all incoming and outgoing phone signals within a 300 meter radius. Not WiFi, but criminals use burner phones anyway.

She has an exceptional sense of when people are stressed and can turn on “Zen Mode” which makes people chill out and also makes all their non-essential personal items (3.5 mm jack headphones) disappear for the sake of simplicity.

Existential Despair Woman

When a time traveler from the future found her wanting to jump off a bridge, he gave her the option to go back to any time she wanted, so she could have perspective on the past and therefore the future. She picked the 1930s so she could become the Mistress of Jean Paul Sartre.

She doesn’t age, so she can experience all the dregs of humanity for centuries, or at least until a villain discovers they can just shoot her in the back of the head when she isn’t looking.

The Freelance Writer

She’s really good at SEO. That’s about it. She’ll have her breakthrough book one day.

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My Rejected Superhero Ideas

Excelsior!


Chapstick Loser

Loses all her chapstick. Was also a loser who was bullied and vowed to bring goodness into the world via moisturized lips. Gives chapstick to the homeless when she’s not losing them.

Licks her lips constantly to hide her shame.

Kinda Have Anxiety But Not Clinically Girl

Somewhat of a perfectionist. Tells Alexa to update her schedule and set reminders constantly. Warns people about global warming, but it’s real it’s really really real look at the data from the UN for the love of god please save our planet Al Gore was right.

Afraid of calling her mom on the phone – especially on birthdays.

Health Nut

Knows all the best supplements off the top of her head. Goes to the gym 6 times a week, but Wednesday is hump day so that day she goes to the low fat froyo place. Spreads wellness throughout the world, especially to poor countries that can’t afford soy quinoa.

Can’t stop updating her instagram.

Existential Despair Woman

Always carried a copy of Camus’ The Stranger. Touts the benefits of the secular progressive movement to combat society’s reliance on Judeo-Christian morality tropes. Reminds people to be happy because we’re all going to die anyway.

Super Hero alliance with Kinda Have Anxiety but Not Clinically Girl.

iPhone Promoter

Cancelled her provider plan because her WiFi signal is strong and all of her friends use iMessage anyway. Shook Steve Jobs’ hand once. “Yeah, but who really needs to root their phone anyway.” Enjoys healthy battery life.

Knows OK Google is better than Siri but at least Apple data mines less than Google.

The Freelance Writer

Diane .png

She’ll stop smoking… one day.

#RIPStantheMan

 

Suicide Squad Wasn’t That Bad

Mild Spoilers Ahead

It’s no secret that DC movies haven’t been doing well lately. So when I saw that Rotten Tomatoes gave “Suicide Squad” at 27% fresh rating, and after witnessing the monstrous trainwreck that was “Batman v Superman,” I wasn’t exactly jumping out of my seat to see it. But I had a DC comic-lover friend that really wanted to go and I was bored that day. I also thoroughly enjoyed the trailer music soundtrack.

Here’s what I have to say to some common criticisms of the movie:

 

There wasn’t enough Joker.

 

This is the main critique I’ve been seeing all over the place. Jared Leto’s name is on the poster but he wasn’t in the film. Well, I saw the film from beginning to end and felt there was plenty of Leto’s Joker in it, considering the focus of the film was about, dur, the Suicide Squad.

This is not a Batman movie. It was never marketed as a Batman movie. Yes, Batman makes a cameo, but he doesn’t fight the Joker nor should he. The Joker isn’t a member of the Suicide Squad, so it makes entire sense for him to be relegated to a secondary character.

There was an introductory scene with him and Harley Quinn in Arkham Asylum. There was a weird bar scene that illustrated the Joker’s cruel and mercurial nature. And there were a couple more scenes with him and Harley Quinn that highlighted their twisted, co-dependent relationship. Quinn is the main character and I felt the amount of appearances for the Joker was just the right amount so as to not overshadow her.

The music sucked.

 

“We haven’t even gotten to the distracting use of on-the-nose musical selections to introduce each character…  Each song inspires a groan and takes you right out of the action.” –Rogerebert.com

Oh, shut the fuck up. If having appropriate music is “distracting” to you, you should watch a Tarantino flick and then shoot yourself in the head.

The soundtrack had everything from Skrillex  to a Panic! at the Disco cover of “Bohemian Rhapsody.” They are upbeat, catchy songs to compliment sarcastic, quirky characters. I don’t feel like covers of classic songs create a cliché, rather they set the tone for a new rendition of old comic book characters.

The film jumped around too much.

 

Yes, there were extensive uses of flashbacks in the film. There were, after all, between six and seven members of the Suicide Squad at one time. I don’t see a more efficient way to introduce and characterize them all.

As for the editing, I rather liked it. I don’t think it was sloppy or choppy. I felt like it created a fast-paced, yet still digestible, narrative that made for a solid action film plot. There was a lot going on, but I feel like I was able to distinguish all the characters and keep their personalities in mind without getting too muddled.

The film was two hours, but it was well enough paced that time flew by smoothly.

The villain was stupid or lame.

 

“She couldn’t arrange better special effects for herself, however; at the height of her powers, the threat she creates looks hilariously cheesy.” -Rogerebert.com

Yes, there’s a supervillian who hates humanity and wants a combination of domination and destruction. But what superhero movie isn’t that?

The Enchantress is an ancient witch with various dark powers. She can summon zombie-like minions, teleport, and manipulate the movement of matter and energy. I, for one, was just happy to see a female supervillian. She does bring her equally supernatural brother along for the evil ride, but it was nice to see a supervillian family working together for once.

I saw nothing out of the ordinary with the special effects. When she transforms from her possessed alter ego June Moone into The Enchantress, black fingers slip out from her own and then take her over, casting a smoky-like shadow around her body.

Sure she wears practically a bikini, but this is a relatively minor feminist sin. She is still a powerful, evil figure and a convincing antagonist in a movie full of anti-heroes.

So overall…

I came into the theater with really low expectations and was pleasantly surprised. “Suicide Squad” was pretty on par with what the trailers advertised, was well-cast, decently-acted, and delivered entertaining action sequences. There was a certain amount of chaos I’ll admit, but this seemed entirely appropriate for the themes the movie was trying to present. If I was the filmmaker and somebody called “Suicide Squad” “messy,”  I would take it as a compliment.