My Rejected Superheroes’ Powers

The Internet Asked for it. I gave my reject superheroes actual super powers.

Original Post at: My Rejected Superhero Ideas

Chapstick Girl

Her Chapstick is also a truth serum! She has an autodetector of mouth dryness in her own mouth but can only tell the dryness of the lips of others by kissing.

Still waiting to be kissed.

Kinda Have Anxiety But Not Clinically Girl

She poops anti-anxiety medication on command. But only the beta blocker propanolol. She doesn’t want to get the kids addicted to xanax and also no one would give her a prescription for the hard stuff because she’s in intensive therapy right now for compulsive knitting.

Eats her own meds. But only once every 24 hours because she always follows directions.

Health Nut

If she gets her arms around you she can sense your blood pressure, heart rate, and BMI. She has encyclopedic knowledge of how to reduce all those, which she got when her abusive dad told her she had to become a doctor or else he would beat her.

Instead of studying, she went running by the quarry and was bitten by the buffest radioactive chipmunk you’ve ever seen. She absorbed its powers and left with super memory and a six pack.

iPhone Promoter

She can block all incoming and outgoing phone signals within a 300 meter radius. Not WiFi, but criminals use burner phones anyway.

She has an exceptional sense of when people are stressed and can turn on “Zen Mode” which makes people chill out and also makes all their non-essential personal items (3.5 mm jack headphones) disappear for the sake of simplicity.

Existential Despair Woman

When a time traveler from the future found her wanting to jump off a bridge, he gave her the option to go back to any time she wanted, so she could have perspective on the past and therefore the future. She picked the 1930s so she could become the Mistress of Jean Paul Sartre.

She doesn’t age, so she can experience all the dregs of humanity for centuries, or at least until a villain discovers they can just shoot her in the back of the head when she isn’t looking.

The Freelance Writer

She’s really good at SEO. That’s about it. She’ll have her breakthrough book one day.

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My Rejected Superhero Ideas

Excelsior!


Chapstick Loser

Loses all her chapstick. Was also a loser who was bullied and vowed to bring goodness into the world via moisturized lips. Gives chapstick to the homeless when she’s not losing them.

Licks her lips constantly to hide her shame.

Kinda Have Anxiety But Not Clinically Girl

Somewhat of a perfectionist. Tells Alexa to update her schedule and set reminders constantly. Warns people about global warming, but it’s real it’s really really real look at the data from the UN for the love of god please save our planet Al Gore was right.

Afraid of calling her mom on the phone – especially on birthdays.

Health Nut

Knows all the best supplements off the top of her head. Goes to the gym 6 times a week, but Wednesday is hump day so that day she goes to the low fat froyo place. Spreads wellness throughout the world, especially to poor countries that can’t afford soy quinoa.

Can’t stop updating her instagram.

Existential Despair Woman

Always carried a copy of Camus’ The Stranger. Touts the benefits of the secular progressive movement to combat society’s reliance on Judeo-Christian morality tropes. Reminds people to be happy because we’re all going to die anyway.

Super Hero alliance with Kinda Have Anxiety but Not Clinically Girl.

iPhone Promoter

Cancelled her provider plan because her WiFi signal is strong and all of her friends use iMessage anyway. Shook Steve Jobs’ hand once. “Yeah, but who really needs to root their phone anyway.” Enjoys healthy battery life.

Knows OK Google is better than Siri but at least Apple data mines less than Google.

The Freelance Writer

Diane .png

She’ll stop smoking… one day.

#RIPStantheMan