Hey blog-readers, I’m not dead, just horribly horribly depressed.

I cannot stand small talk, because I feel like there’s an elephant standing in the room shitting all over everything and nobody is saying anything. I’m just dying to say, “Hey, do you ever feel like jumping off a bridge?” or “Do you feel an emptiness inside your chest at night that is going to swallow you?” But you can’t say that at a cocktail party.

Paul Gilmartin, The Mental Illness Happy Hour

So what’s going on in current events? Um, a whole lot of people being terrible to each other on the Gaza strip and elsewhere from what I understand.

I used to have coherent thoughts.

Here’s a puppy that looks like a penis.

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WTF Wednesday – TSA Pats Down Holder of World’s Largest Penis

Weird News Wednesday, today accompanied by an a cappella song.

San Francisco Chronicle:  Man with ‘world’s biggest penis’ stopped at SFO security

Jonah Falcon, 41, who has been featured in several documentaries about the world’s biggest penises, was returning from a trip in San Francisco on July 9 when he was stopped at security by TSA agents who spotted something out of the ordinary hanging to the left in his pants, he said…

“It was probably harder on them than it was on me,” Falcon said.

If You Like The Daily Show, You’ll Probably Like “The Dictator”

If you go into “The Dictator” with “Borat” expectations, you will most certainly be disappointed. But if you go in with “Ali G Indahouse” expectations, they will most certainly be exceeded.

Complete with a small role from The Daily Show’s Aasif Mandvi, “The Dictator” is the perfect combination of really smart and really stupid humor that will probably alienate anyone whose humor levels are in between. I thought it was funny, and I love me a good dick joke.

“The Dictator” is a tale of love and betrayal, riddled with genocide, racism, and dick jokes. When Admiral General Hafez Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen) is betrayed by his uncle, Tamir (Ben Kingsley-otherwise known as that bald, secondary character associated with movies in the desert), he will end up in the strange unknown country of America.

By a series of forced plot devices, Aladeen will meet his love interest Zoey (Anna Farris), a corporate-hating, vegan-loving Brooklynite. Complete with a gender-neutral haircut and love for protesting, it’s a caricature that manages to be more accurate than offensive. (I’ve been to Williamsburg. Don’t deny it, hipsters.) Because nothing says true love like a feminist urban homesteader + brutal dictator wanted for war crimes.

Cultural confusion and dicks ensue.

If you are expecting a mockumentary, then you didn’t pay attention to the marketing of the movie. “The Dictator” is more like “The Hangover 2” if you replaced Zach Galifianakis with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It’s an Adam Sandler movie, if you replaced Adam Sandler with someone with talent and added relevant political satire.

If anything, the film proves that Sacha Baron Cohen is an extremely versatile actor. And from the 0.5 seconds of it, has a pretty impressive flaccid cock.

Thor: An Allegory of One Man’s Internal Struggle with Bicuriosity and Penis Size

Spoiler Alert: The hammer is his penis.

78% fresh on rottentomatoes. Aren’t you proud, Marvel? Never before have I seen such a successful rendition of King Arthur meets Lord of the Rings meets Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. If there’s one major fault in the movie it’s that we didn’t get to see enough of Chris Hemsworth hairless chistled chest so touted in the trailer. They even covered up Anthony Hopkin’s old, ugly mug with prosthetics to make him look even more old and ugly! I love famous actors when they’re unrecognizable.

In Norse mythology, Thor, son of Odin, is a hammer-wielding god associated with thunder, lightning, storms, oak trees, strength, destruction, and the protection of mankind. In Mavel movie universe, Thor is an testosterone-overloaded, extraterrestrial prince from Asgard (henceforth known as Assguard) who is hating on the rival race of monstrous Frost Giants.  These Avatar-esque beings with all the charisma of Alaskan politicians put Thor’s panties in a bunch when they ruin his ascension to the throne ceremony with a failed attempt to steal back their Blue Ball Box of Eternal Frigidness.

Thor takes a retribution trip to the Frost Giants’ barren homeworld only to be stopped by daddy Odin. Terrified of his son’s rising Oedipus complex, Odin strips Thor of his Mojo and banishes him from Assguard. The aggro ex-prince is then ejaculated across the universe via the Celestial Sphincter down unto the Shithole of Earth where he is hit by a car driven with the acting ability of Princess Padmé.

Completing their supporting cast with the politically correct inclusivity of the Power Rangers, Marvel even managed to throw in an Asian guy, a Black guy, and a Hot Chick as Thor’s loyal sidekicks.

Why the Asian guy from Assguard has a Chinese accent I’ll never know. But why do you need to know? Hey look, abs.

I don’t care to know where the Iron Man prototype came from. Or why its sad excuse for a fight scene happened in a place as boring as in front of 7-11. Or where Loki acquired a snazzy suit when visiting Earth and later, the Pokémon move of Double Team. Plus, there are much more pressing questions like, Will Thor ever be able to pull his tool out of the giant, dry hole?

After all the innuendo, including something called “bi-thrusters” and avoiding tapping that fine Harvard graduate ass (Portman, not the guy who is typecast as the Good Will Hunting math professor), it is obvious Thor struggles with some serious repressive psychological issues. Even after being called out by his brother that Padmé made him “soft,” Thor cannot accept his sexuality. Alas, Thor ends up breaking apart Assguard’s Rainbow Bridge with his Trusty Hammer. Which makes me wonder what kind of soul-searching film the second film will explore. Thor 2: U Can’t Touch This? This disappointing venture through Ursa Minor’s colon will hopefully be no damper in Marvel’s fluid, seminal output of otherwise fine superhero flicks.

Top Five Reasons I don’t blog as much as I used to

5:  The News Sucks.  Really.  Democrats are down in the polls.  Obama ignores job creation measures.  Unemployment keeps on trucking.  And yeah, we withdrew from Iraq, but Bush kind of ruined it several years ago with the severely premature Mission Accomplished banner.

4.  Work.  I work in a pharmacy and am licensed and certified, but still get paid below median wage.  It’s like retail, but more counting of thousands of pills and dealing with insurance problems.  Joy.

3.  School.  Formal education is supposedly important.  In addition to Econ, I’m taking Comp II, which is a lot like a class I took in NY called “Lit: Form and Meaning” in which I got really high and wrote an 8 page paper in 2 days about John Keats’ existential crisis in “Ode to a Nightingale.”  I got 100 on that paper

2.  New York City.  There’s stuff to do there.   Remind me to write reviews of Manhattan versus Brooklyn sex shops.

1.  Bed.  I spend a lot of time in bed, because without sleep you can’t be happy. And my boyfriend owns a Tempur-pedic which doesn’t help.  I also bummed his Netflix account and watched the entire first season of Dollhouse on there because Joss Whedon makes awesome shit.

Also, House and Dexter have season premieres this month, which are more reasons I won’t be getting out of his Tempur-pedic bed, unless he moves the laptop… and his penis.

Penis graph likes gay marriage

From a CNN pubic (lol pubic) opinion poll:

I need to write a real entry with actual words rather than phallic graphs and pics of bears that love cocaine.

And I need to stop stealing things from Andrew Sullivan’s blog.  Oh, I can feel the credibility dripping from my page.

Also, for the record, I try not to call it “gay marriage” because I’m relatively straight (hetereoflexible) but I still want the option to marry a woman if I want to.  Tax cuts, yo.