Loses all her chapstick. Was also a loser who was bullied and vowed to bring goodness into the world via moisturized lips. Gives chapstick to the homeless when she’s not losing them.
Licks her lips constantly to hide her shame.
Kinda Have Anxiety But Not Clinically Girl
Somewhat of a perfectionist. Tells Alexa to update her schedule and set reminders constantly. Warns people about global warming, but it’s real it’s really really real look at the data from the UN for the love of god please save our planet Al Gore was right.
Afraid of calling her mom on the phone – especially on birthdays.
Knows all the best supplements off the top of her head. Goes to the gym 6 times a week, but Wednesday is hump day so that day she goes to the low fat froyo place. Spreads wellness throughout the world, especially to poor countries that can’t afford soy quinoa.
Can’t stop updating her instagram.
Existential Despair Woman
Always carried a copy of Camus’ The Stranger. Touts the benefits of the secular progressive movement to combat society’s reliance on Judeo-Christian morality tropes. Reminds people to be happy because we’re all going to die anyway.
Super Hero alliance with Kinda Have Anxiety but Not Clinically Girl.
Cancelled her provider plan because her WiFi signal is strong and all of her friends use iMessage anyway. Shook Steve Jobs’ hand once. “Yeah, but who really needs to root their phone anyway.” Enjoys healthy battery life.
Tig is a friend of mine and she is very funny. I love her voice on stage. One night I was performing at a club in LA called Largo. Tig was there. She was about to go on stage. I hadn’t seen Tig in about a year and I said how are you? She replied “well I found out today that I have cancer in both breasts and that it has likely spread to my lymph nodes. My doctor says it looks real bad. “. She wasn’t kidding. I said “uh. Jesus. Tig. Well. Do you… Have your family… Helping?”. She said “well my mom was with me but a few weeks ago she fell down, hit her head and she died”. She still wasn’t kidding…
A few days later, I wrote Tig and asked her if I could release this set on my site. I wanted people to hear what I saw. What we all saw that night. She agreed. The show is on sale for the same 5 dollars I charge for my stuff. I’m only keeping 1. She gets the other 4. Tig has decided to give some of that to cancer research.