My Rejected Superhero Ideas

Excelsior!


Chapstick Loser

Loses all her chapstick. Was also a loser who was bullied and vowed to bring goodness into the world via moisturized lips. Gives chapstick to the homeless when she’s not losing them.

Licks her lips constantly to hide her shame.

Kinda Have Anxiety But Not Clinically Girl

Somewhat of a perfectionist. Tells Alexa to update her schedule and set reminders constantly. Warns people about global warming, but it’s real it’s really really real look at the data from the UN for the love of god please save our planet Al Gore was right.

Afraid of calling her mom on the phone – especially on birthdays.

Health Nut

Knows all the best supplements off the top of her head. Goes to the gym 6 times a week, but Wednesday is hump day so that day she goes to the low fat froyo place. Spreads wellness throughout the world, especially to poor countries that can’t afford soy quinoa.

Can’t stop updating her instagram.

Existential Despair Woman

Always carried a copy of Camus’ The Stranger. Touts the benefits of the secular progressive movement to combat society’s reliance on Judeo-Christian morality tropes. Reminds people to be happy because we’re all going to die anyway.

Super Hero alliance with Kinda Have Anxiety but Not Clinically Girl.

iPhone Promoter

Cancelled her provider plan because her WiFi signal is strong and all of her friends use iMessage anyway. Shook Steve Jobs’ hand once. “Yeah, but who really needs to root their phone anyway.” Enjoys healthy battery life.

Knows OK Google is better than Siri but at least Apple data mines less than Google.

The Freelance Writer

Diane .png

She’ll stop smoking… one day.

#RIPStantheMan

 

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Hyperbole and a Half Author Reads From Her Book at Google Talks

This is Allie Brosh.

You’ve probably seen her webcomic if you spend any significant amount of time on the Internet.

She wrote a book with the same title of her blog and then a long subtitle. You can buy Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened on Amazon.

And watch Allie read new content from aforementioned book, including a story in which a 10-year-old Allie writes a letter for a 25-year-old Allie, right here.

Drunk and in Love with Grammar (Lonely Island – Semicolon Song)

A COMMA AND A FUCKING DOT. SEMICOLON.

The Lonely Island – “Semicolon (feat. Solange)”

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Hendricks is my new favorite gin!

I think this doesn’t even count as grammar. Punctuation is under syntax? I dunno. Fuck. I wasn’t an English major.

Fuck you, English majors. JK. I think I might major in English because it’d be the easiest degree for me to complete and majors don’t matter much anymore if you want to go to grad school.

I’m going to create a category for “Drunk Blogging.”

SEMICOLONS

::::::::::::::::::::::::

Oh wait, shit.

Schmoyoho Song: “DJ Turn it up!” “No, I got a Noise Violation”

Uploaded in May, but somehow it went under my radar for a couple months.

The Gregory Brothers / Schmoyoho. Best know for the “hide yo kids, hide yo wife” Bed Intruder Song. New-ish original song.

Spoiler: PSY cameo.

“DJ Play My Song (NO LEAVE ME ALONE)”


“Does “mouse” rhyme with “mouse”?  No, it’s the same word.” Haha, was that a deadmau5 diss?

I sure do miss Auto-Tune the News.

Louis CK Explains NYC Subway Frustration at the Comedy Cellar

Louis C.K. describes the worst part of the subway perfectly.

Hat-tip to Brokelyn for the Link:

Man, I miss his TV show. (The second one, of course, although Lucky Louie wasn’t actually all that terrible.)

Also…

Louis C.K. re-imagines classic jokes:

“I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road… Shouldn’t it be on a farm fucking other chickens?… There is no dialogue or conversation with a chicken; It just gets eaten and I take a shit.”

Twitter #Obamadebatetips for 10/16/12

In 90 minutes I’ll be running a live-blog, mostly from Twitter reactions. It’ll probably be a lot more lazy tomorrow because I have to pack during the debate.

Debate Pre-game:

#ObamaDebateTips Wear a Big Bird costume.

#ObamaDebateTips Make sure everyone will let you be clear.

#ObamaDebateTips Gangnam style

Borrow Hillary’s balls. #ObamaDebateTips

#ObamaDebateTips Legalize marijuana. #Obama2012

@HahaOneLiners#ObamaDebateTips Don’t say anything. Just have Morgan Freeman say it for you.”

End every response with, That’s What She Said. #ObamaDebateTips

#ObamaDebateTips Break out in random meowing.

#ObamaDebateTips Meow at Mitt Romney. GAME OVER

Of course Twitters obsessed with cats. Because people on twitter have no friends.

Louis CK Promotes Tig Notaro


I got this super depressing e-mail from Louis CK.

Here’s an excerpt:

 Tig is a friend of mine and she is very funny.  I love her voice on stage.  One night I was performing at a club in LA called Largo.  Tig was there.  She was about to go on stage.  I hadn’t seen Tig in about a year and I said how are you?  She replied “well I found out today that I have cancer in both breasts and that it has likely spread to my lymph nodes.  My doctor says it looks real bad. “. She wasn’t kidding.  I said “uh.  Jesus.  Tig.    Well.  Do you… Have your family… Helping?”.  She said “well my mom was with me but a few weeks ago she fell down, hit her head and she died”.  She still wasn’t kidding…

A few days later, I wrote Tig and asked her if I could release this set on my site.  I wanted people to hear what I saw.  What we all saw that night.  She agreed.  The show is on sale for the same 5 dollars I charge for my stuff.  I’m only keeping 1.  She gets the other 4.  Tig has decided to give some of that to cancer research.

Buy the audio set for $5 here:

https://buy.louisck.net/purchase/tig-notaro-live

I never heard of her before but she actually is really funny. And you can fight cancer at the same time.

Drunk Lab Tech Parties Half-Naked With Monkeys

This is a Weird News Wednesday one day late.

Mug shots and story via The Daily Mail:

A university lab technician was arrested after he was found intoxicated with his pants down, surrounded by two monkeys who had been released from their cages.

Coley Mitchell was discovered by a co-worker sitting in a chair, half naked, in a locker room at Georgia Health Sciences University on August 13…

When police officers asked the 32-year-old to leave the facility, he was aggressive and uncooperative, according to WRDW-TV.

Good times, those monkey parties. Relevant Song.