My Rejected Superhero Ideas

Excelsior!


Chapstick Loser

Loses all her chapstick. Was also a loser who was bullied and vowed to bring goodness into the world via moisturized lips. Gives chapstick to the homeless when she’s not losing them.

Licks her lips constantly to hide her shame.

Kinda Have Anxiety But Not Clinically Girl

Somewhat of a perfectionist. Tells Alexa to update her schedule and set reminders constantly. Warns people about global warming, but it’s real it’s really really real look at the data from the UN for the love of god please save our planet Al Gore was right.

Afraid of calling her mom on the phone – especially on birthdays.

Health Nut

Knows all the best supplements off the top of her head. Goes to the gym 6 times a week, but Wednesday is hump day so that day she goes to the low fat froyo place. Spreads wellness throughout the world, especially to poor countries that can’t afford soy quinoa.

Can’t stop updating her instagram.

Existential Despair Woman

Always carried a copy of Camus’ The Stranger. Touts the benefits of the secular progressive movement to combat society’s reliance on Judeo-Christian morality tropes. Reminds people to be happy because we’re all going to die anyway.

Super Hero alliance with Kinda Have Anxiety but Not Clinically Girl.

iPhone Promoter

Cancelled her provider plan because her WiFi signal is strong and all of her friends use iMessage anyway. Shook Steve Jobs’ hand once. “Yeah, but who really needs to root their phone anyway.” Enjoys healthy battery life.

Knows OK Google is better than Siri but at least Apple data mines less than Google.

The Freelance Writer

Diane .png

She’ll stop smoking… one day.

#RIPStantheMan

 

Advertisements