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Weird News Wednesday – What The Fuck Wednesday
I’m 10 minutes late EST. It’s still Wednesday in California.
Back before I went into the 6-month blog void of personal fucked-upness, I used to do a Weird News Wednesday just to give my blog some sort of structure. I’ve decided to bring it back but with super lax rules. Every Wednesday I will post weird news, a webcomic, a weird wikipedia article, or, if I get really lazy, simply a picture that elicits “What the fuck?”
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I have a trifecta of weird news articles today.
1.
Miami face-eater is identified; cause of attack is a mystery
Witnesses and police have said Eugene was naked Saturday when he attacked another naked man on the MacArthur Causeway next to the Miami Herald building, chewing up to 80% of the victim’s face off. A police officer commanded him to stop, and when Eugene didn’t, the officer shot him as many as six times.
2.
Police: Hackensack man stabbed himself and threw intestines at officers
Carter was in the corner of the room with a knife in his hand, and he stood up, he yelled at police while stabbing himself all over his body. Officers noticed that his intestines were protruding from a wound in his abdomen, Heinemann said. Carter allegedly threw some of his skin and intestines at officers as they tried to enter the room, Heinemann said.
3.
Man hits car driven by nun, has iPhone stolen
Police said the nun was taken to hospital as a precaution and suffered minor injuries. After the collision, the male driver attempted to call 911 on his iPhone.
However, the male driver was shaken up after the crash and had trouble operating the phone. A passerby offered to help him with the phone, but then ran off with the device when the driver handed it to him.
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The news is all about mentally ill people and assholes these days.
WNW: “Man eats cocaine from brother’s butt, dies”
None of the websites I wanted to steal this image from elucidated as to which one had the coke in his butt and which one died, which kind of upset me.
I’ve been falling off of my Weird New Wednesdays lately and I know it’s Friday, but you can’t not reblog that headline.
Via I Heart Chaos
Officers said Deangelo Mitchell convinced his brother, 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell, to swallow the ounce of cocaine to hide the evidence. He died soon afterward. “It’s sickening,” North Charleston Police Chief Jon Zumalt told WCIV. “I got upset when I saw the thing. I was pretty shocked on it.” Deangelo Mitchell already bonded out of jail on the drug charge, but now police are looking for him again on charges of involuntary manslaughter.
That’s all there is to that story. Good times in North Carolina.
But what I really want to know is how exactly that transaction occurred, physically speaking.
I’m assuming it was in a bag, he pulled that motherfucker out, and then the brother poured it in powder form into his mouth and swallowed. But the article is so vague. But maybe something sick and weird happened like he depantsed, bent over, pushed it out a little, and made his brother rip the bag with his teeth and then suck it out of his anal cavity. Maybe he just wanted a last rimming before he was arraigned.
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In other butt-related news, the original “What What (in the Butt)” producer is attempting to sue Viacom/Comedy Central for infringement in their 2008 airing of the infamous Butter’s parody in South Park.
A district court dismissed the case last year before summary judgment had even begun, and Brownmark Films responded by filing a motion to appeal with the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals. In an amicus brief filed Monday, The Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) backed Viamon arguing that South Park’s re-imagining of the work is a clear case of Fair Use and First Amendment rights.
WNW: Guy arrested at Large Hadron Collider Claims He’s From the Future
Weird News Wednesday one day late.
Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his ‘time machine power unit’, a device that resembled a kitchen blender.
Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age [young], would not reveal his country of origin. “Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.”
He was taken to a mental institution whereupon he disappeared from his cell.
Weird News Wednesday: 60-Year-Old Lady’s Naked Rampage in Brooklyn Chinese Take-Out Place
It’s okay. I’m not including the NSFW pics taken by bystanders. But there’s a few at the original article, if your curiosity can’t contain itself. Via Gothamist:
The incident took place after 3 p.m. on Thursday in Bay Ridge on Third Avenue between 80th and 81st Streets. The woman in question, who police are declining to identify, was apparently a regular on the strip known for muttering to herself but had never been known to do anything like this. Apparently what set her off was seeing something that said “Free” (possibly “free delivery”) in the window of Dragon China between 79th and 80th Street
The more news article-esque story with eyewitness accounts at The Brooklyn Paper:
Zhao said that the cashier explained that not everything was free — but that only enraged the woman, who slammed her fingers down on the menu, screaming, “Free, free, free, free!”
The disturned woman then started throwing everything in the store she could get her hands on, including a watermelon at a nearby business owner that had come to check out commotion. She ran outside, stripped off everything, jumped on a convertible in the middle of an intersection, and spread eagle on it. Then she ran back into the Chinese place, used money from the register to start a fire on top of the stove, and starting throwing bottles. Fireman secured the blaze and NYPD was eventually able to subdue her.
Some of the commenters on the original posts are criticizing the coverage as exploitative, because the woman was clearly mentally ill. But you can’t not talk about something this cinematic. And that smile on her face as she disrupts an intersection’s traffic is truly inspiring.
At that moment, she looks like the happiest human being alive.
Weird News Wednesday: Deer in Taco Store and Beyonce’s Baby Gift
This is a Deer in a Taco Store.
There’s a chain of taco restaurants in Georgia called Taco Mac. In Atlanta, a deer smashed through the glass window of one of these fine establishments, lost an antler, ran around panicked for a about a minute, and then ran out the back door that an employee opened for it.
Complete story at HuffPo.
I have no sympathy for this deer’s lost antler. Deer are assholes; they’re just “rats with hooves.” Except they’re 200 pounds and will kill you if they ram into the driver side door of your sedan. Which they do, because they have no concept of man-made objects that move. And apparently, no concept of glass, either.
If you missed the deer attacking the guy on a bike viral video from last month, here’s irrefutable proof that deer are assholes.
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Since I always need to hate on two things in WNW, the second thing I would like to hate this evening is rich people. Because they bathe their babies in $5,200 pink, Swarvoski crystal-encrusted bathtubs. 44,928 crystals that were laid by hand. (Though I guess if any celebrity baby is going to be blinging, it might as well be Beyonce and Jay-Z’s.)
If you ever want to make yourself suck by looking at opulent manifestations of capitalism, go to the product’s site and look at the thumbnails under the main picture. In addition to bathing babies, other suggestions for use of the 5 Grand “Diamond Bathtub” (misleading name since it’s crystal, not diamond) include storing puppies and serving alcohol.
Apparently, “a percentage of the proceeds” will be donated to The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer foundation, but they don’t say what percent. Whatever it is, the benefit to puppies in need of a crystal bathtub beds will certainly mitigate the guilt of spending a potential $5,200 direct contribution to charity on a baby that isn’t capable of forming memories yet.
Weird News Wednesday: Don’t Give your Dog LSD
Weird News Wednesday one day late. I’m so glad I never committed to do PostADay, because I was super sick yesterday and would have most certainly failed at that endeavor.
Via The Smoking Gun.
R.I.P. “Oscar”: Dog Dosed With LSD By Owners Dies After Being Struck By Car
It’s unclear from the news articles the time frame or exact order in which all of the following things happened, but they apparently all happened in one day.
- Couple drinks, smokes the reefer, and drops acid.
- Couple gets naked.
- Couple gives their Dachshund a gummy worm laced with LSD.
- Dachshund freaks out and escapes from the house, running.
- Couple goes outside naked on highway in futile attempt to find their tripping dog while tripping.
- People call cops on naked people on highway.
- Dachshund gets hits by a car. He bites two people trying to help him and then dies at an animal hospital.
- Couple is arrested for disorderly conduct and, while in custody, asks the officers if they knew where their dog was.
Moral of the story: Don’t dose your dog, because that’s animal cruelty. And always have a tripsitter.
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A less dark and depressing story from last week via MSNBC.
Giant Lego Man Washes Up on Florida Beach; Police Take It Into ‘Protective Custody’
An 8-foot tall Lego guy washed up on the shore of Siesta Key beach in Florida last week. It’s believed by many to be the work of Dutch artist Leon Keer, possibly as a viral promotion of his participation in the current Sarasota Chalk Festival, but he denies ownership of the giant sculpture…
even though it has the words “Ego Leonard” written on the back, and the website for a previous 8-foot tall Lego Man, www.egoleonard.com, is registered under Keer’s personal email address.
Weird News Wednesday: Woman Beaten in Parking Lot with Frozen Armadillo
Legalize Armadillos. Regulate and tax them for revenue.
I have two fairly different links for you today.
The first is “Man Allegedly Beat Woman with Frozen Armadillo.”
According to investigators, the altercation occurred when the suspect was selling the carcass to the victim, who planned to eat the animal.
The pair apparently began arguing over the price of the item when the man twice threw the armadillo at the woman.
Everyone be careful out there in your back-alley armadillo meat deals. Seriously, though, I’m curious how much illegal armadillo meats goes for per pound out there.
Maybe this could be the new premise of the final season of Breaking Bad. Walt gives up his life of making meth to engage in the lucrative business of armored-shelled carcass sales. But the Mexican Armadillo Cartel gets a wind of his activities and seeks a bloody revenge.
The second article is “‘Buffalo Beast’ editor faces jail time for using dildo at protest.”
Good job, Raw Story, at making your news titles ambiguously worded.
Apparently, the guy had a dildo on a microphone and was trying to interview counter-protesters at a National Organization for Marriage rally. The officer arrested him for making obscene gestures with the ‘dildophone’ and for calling her and her fellow officers “assholes.”
Calling a cop an “asshole” is clearly a first Amendment right. I’m trying to find out if there’s any legal basis for obscenity charges. Using my amateur legal research skills, which I previously used to find out that it’s legal to be naked in public if its part of a performance, I found that NY state defines “obscenity” very vaguely, and the state penal code seems to only cover distribution of obscene materials to minors. But I doubt that there is any basis for obscenity charges, since now the officer seems to be now pitching that he was disrupting a “religious” event. (NOM is not registered as a religious organization.)
If you have knowledge about the legality of dildos in public, comment below.
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