Yes, they look harmless.  With their cookie cutter fun shape and symmetry and little tubular suction cup underbellies.  You may even think they’re cute.  But what don’t you know about the spiny-skinned animal with an endoskeleton of calcium carbonate called “the starfish”?

These devil-spawn of salt-water scavenge and stalk tiny helpless organisms in the deep, dark kelp forests that they call home.  Kelp forests are found in abundance in the tropics, near the equator, where it’s hot.  You know where else is hot?

Is it just a coincidence that these so called “fish,” (even though they’re in the class Asteroidea) are star shaped?  Let me make a drawing to make the connection clear.

Like how Cerebus, the dog of Hades, has multiple heads, the Satanfish has multiple arms.  Most have 5, like the pentagram, but some species have 8, 10, or even 40 arms.  Starfish have no brains, which obviously means they have no souls.

When a limb is severed, some species can not only repair it but actually grow another Starfish from that severed limb.  Sounds like witchcraft to me.  Some species are even hermaphroditic.  You know who else was hermaphroditic?

That’s right, Mel Gibson’s version of Satan.

The Starfish was so cleverly disguised by Satan as a peaceful sea-dwelling creature that slowly moves along with a harmless water vascular system.   But I see them for what they really are:  an epidemic from Hell.   Catholics and Protestants alike must come together to rid this evil force from our oceans and protect our children from their terrible mind-altering, witchcraft-promoting influence.