A few of my friends from high school had babies in the last couple years. I’m 22, so when they told me they were preggers, I wasn’t sure whether to congratulate them or offer to drive them to a clinic.

I don’t have many incentives to have babies, but you know what would make it easier? A pouch. A largely concealed fold of skin that I can hide stuff in. I want a pouch. Why do marsupials get the evolutionary monopoly on pouches?

They get the cuter babies too.

On the topic of being jealous of marsupials, kangaroos are the laziest birth-givers.  Humans have to push out a 7 pounder but kangaroos push out this worm-like undeveloped fetus Ew Ew Ew Ew. Go to the pouch (marsupial) wikipedia page and look at that thing. It doesn’t even have eyes or hind legs yet. Gross. Kangaroos have a gestation period of about a month before this creature crawls out and goes to hide in the pouch for 9 months, because before then it’s too ugly to face the world.

Freeloading asshole. You’re old enough to walk, you faker. Get out and get a job already.