My Rejected Superheroes’ Powers

The Internet Asked for it. I gave my reject superheroes actual super powers.

Original Post at: My Rejected Superhero Ideas

Chapstick Girl

Her Chapstick is also a truth serum! She has an autodetector of mouth dryness in her own mouth but can only tell the dryness of the lips of others by kissing.

Still waiting to be kissed.

Kinda Have Anxiety But Not Clinically Girl

She poops anti-anxiety medication on command. But only the beta blocker propanolol. She doesn’t want to get the kids addicted to xanax and also no one would give her a prescription for the hard stuff because she’s in intensive therapy right now for compulsive knitting.

Eats her own meds. But only once every 24 hours because she always follows directions.

Health Nut

If she gets her arms around you she can sense your blood pressure, heart rate, and BMI. She has encyclopedic knowledge of how to reduce all those, which she got when her abusive dad told her she had to become a doctor or else he would beat her.

Instead of studying, she went running by the quarry and was bitten by the buffest radioactive chipmunk you’ve ever seen. She absorbed its powers and left with super memory and a six pack.

iPhone Promoter

She can block all incoming and outgoing phone signals within a 300 meter radius. Not WiFi, but criminals use burner phones anyway.

She has an exceptional sense of when people are stressed and can turn on “Zen Mode” which makes people chill out and also makes all their non-essential personal items (3.5 mm jack headphones) disappear for the sake of simplicity.

Existential Despair Woman

When a time traveler from the future found her wanting to jump off a bridge, he gave her the option to go back to any time she wanted, so she could have perspective on the past and therefore the future. She picked the 1930s so she could become the Mistress of Jean Paul Sartre.

She doesn’t age, so she can experience all the dregs of humanity for centuries, or at least until a villain discovers they can just shoot her in the back of the head when she isn’t looking.

The Freelance Writer

She’s really good at SEO. That’s about it. She’ll have her breakthrough book one day.

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Best of Overheard in Brooklyn # 4

Best of @heardinbk

Post # 3

Post #2

Post #1

Sorry, guys. I’ve been neglectful of my cross-posting. Yes, I know tweets have an easy embed feature, but I like the way this looks better.

“I’m always afraid my sister’s profile is going to come up. She lives near here”–man talking about OkCupid at the bar #overheardinbrooklyn

“There’s this great tamale place in Midtown in an abandoned elevator shaft.” #overheardinbrooklyn

And then she said, with firm conviction, “I miss The Harlem Shake.”

“My cat still has PTSD from my leash-training attempt.”

“Do you know your Myers-Briggs type?”

today is the day: “learn on the internet how to love a plant” ~ overheard in brooklyn

Overheard near Grand Army Plaza: “Where’s the line between gossip and processing interpersonal dynamics?” (cc: @HeardInBK)

“The other [frozen yogurt] place in Williamsburg sold out of fruit once. It was disgusting. I was so angry.”

yo i’m adam but my club name is “DJ Cisgendered”

 Retweeted by Overheard Brooklyn

“It’s like the whole movie’s on Instagram.” Regarding Moonrise Kingdom.

“I’ll love him so long as he doesn’t turn out to be a Republican or a Red Sox fan.” -guy holding baby #conditionallove

Overheard in Brooklyn: “there needs to be some sort of national bong functionality standardization” @HeardInBK

Overheard cellphone conversation in Brooklyn: “I’m failing miserably at this human experience. What are you doing?”

 Retweeted by Overheard Brooklyn

“Her fashion sense is something like an Amish person meets a transvestite.”

“Cats! Cats! Cats! Cats! Cats! Cats! Cats! Cats! Cats! Cats! Cats! Everybody!” < #Shots for lonely, introverted people.


Newt Gingrich Doesn’t Know What a Smartphone Is

I haven’t been posting a lot lately because I want to not turn this blog into a re-blog wonderland or a second youtube favorites playlist, but this one was too good:

“We spent weeks trying to figure out what you call this… if it’s taking pictures, it’s not a cell phone.”

Oh, Newt, I’m sad the effort to Santorum-ize your name never really took off.

I really hope Colbert addresses this tonight.

Twitter #Obamadebatetips for 10/16/12

In 90 minutes I’ll be running a live-blog, mostly from Twitter reactions. It’ll probably be a lot more lazy tomorrow because I have to pack during the debate.

Debate Pre-game:

#ObamaDebateTips Wear a Big Bird costume.

#ObamaDebateTips Make sure everyone will let you be clear.

#ObamaDebateTips Gangnam style

Borrow Hillary’s balls. #ObamaDebateTips

#ObamaDebateTips Legalize marijuana. #Obama2012

@HahaOneLiners#ObamaDebateTips Don’t say anything. Just have Morgan Freeman say it for you.”

End every response with, That’s What She Said. #ObamaDebateTips

#ObamaDebateTips Break out in random meowing.

#ObamaDebateTips Meow at Mitt Romney. GAME OVER

Of course Twitters obsessed with cats. Because people on twitter have no friends.

Institute of Medicine: Gym Class Tests Like “Sit-And-Reach” Not Worth It

Sarah Kliff from Wonkblog reports:

They find, in a 230-page report out Thursday, that as many a middle school student may have long suspected, there’s barely any evidence that most of these tests predict better health outcomes later in life.

“The committee’s review of the scientific literature revealed that studies on fitness measures for youth often were not designed to answer questions related to understanding the relationships between fitness measures and health across all ages, genders, and racial/ethnic populations.”

The committee came out especially strong against flexibility tests, things like attempting to touch one’s toes while sitting — the dreaded “sit and reach,” that has vexed many inflexible eighth graders. Due to a “lack of evidence for an association between flexibility tests and health outcomes,” it recommends against “including such tests” in any national guidelines for physical fitness testing.

Sit-ups, a measure of “musculoskeletal fitness,” also don’t fit the criteria for actually measuring that form of muscular fitness properly, the Institute reports.

All I remember is that Middle School Gym Class was fucking terrible. And that, by High School, they stopped caring and let us play Badminton all day.