Only 8 megapixels on the new camera? Ugh, that’s like only 60% more pixels than the last iPhone.

Only 14.4 megabits per second? More like will take infinity to download forever.

Dual-core processor? Schmuel-core processor. If my hardware doesn’t instantly give me a hard-on and make me orgasm with 10 seconds or less, I call bullshit.

iCloud will help me sync all my files from my computer to my wireless device?  Yeah, too bad it has a stupid name.

I mean, all I wanted an AI program that would anticipate my every want and need. That could comfort me when I’m ill-eased, that could support my decisions without being overbearing, that could whisper sweet nothings into my ear and make me feel like I’m still worth something to somebody even when I get fat. But I all I got was Siri, a voice-controlled, language-deciphering virtual assistant that is essentially a verbal Google that will open the appropriate applications for you. But the program is still in Beta, so it’s totally useless.

Sure, the phone is now available on Sprint, Verizon and AT&T, but what about all those other two carrier networks? It is my God-given right to be able choose a crappy service provider because I am a tax-paying American. Bless me.

When will my phone cook my dinner, pick my kids up after school, and simultaneously shiatsu massage my feet and nipples? For $200, why isn’t Barack Obama personally serving this phone to me on a white plush pillow, with golden tassels, alongside all his broken hopes and dreams?

Pox and boils upon your stocks, Apple! May your contracts be cancelled. May your warehouses burn. May Steve Jobs get canc…

Oh wait. Awkward.

Pre-ordering for the iPhone 4S begins online October 7.  It will available in stores on October 14, starting at $199.

[10/05 edit:

Steve Jobs passed away today from pancreatic cancer today at the age of 56.  While the tasteless joke made previously will not be removed due to Clantily Scad’s commitment to anti-politically correct humor and satire, I would like to take a serious moment to tip my blogger hat to Job’s tenacious leadership for remaining CEO of Apple as long as he did and his countless contributions to technological development.]