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Archive for the ‘Autobiographical Stories’ Category

Craigslist Scam Email Reply

From: Chloe Stevens <chloe.stevens01@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sun, July 11, 2010 8:33:05 AM
Subject: CONCERNING YOUR LISTED ITEM ON CRAIGSLIST

Goodmorning Seller,
I am So Much interested in the immediate purchase of your for sale item, and I will be responsible for the shipment of the item from your location. Shipping company will come for the pickup of the item in your location . The shipment funds will be added to your payment . Once the Bank Check delivered, you deduct the item fees, and the rest funds will be sent to the shipping company agent . The payment for your item will be inform of  Money Order orBank Check . If you are okay with this reliable, acceptable and best method of payment, kindly send your full name , with your contact address information ,I mean the address you will like the Bank Check to deliver to, as well as your cell and home number.I wanna make an offer   Kindly get back to me with the present pictures of the item . I want you to consider the item as sold.
I’m only willing to issue a Money Order or Bank Check  to you  next week, because i need to  fix some appliances in my office for few days, But i promise am gonna mail it out to your address on next week, and deliver to you the next 2-3 business days via United State Postal Service(USPS)  If there is no delay from the courier .Kindly delete the ads from the site right now and let me know, because I don’t want any other buyer to get it away from me,I have been searching for this particular item for a long time. Let me have your mailing contact address information for mailing of Bank Check, such as :
Name:
Contact Address (not pobox):
City:
State/Zip code:
Phone Number:
Final asking Price:
Regards
Re: CONCERNING YOUR LISTED ITEM ON CRAIGSLIST
From:
Candice Hall
To: Chloe Stevens <chloe.stevens01@yahoo.com>

Dear Chloe,

I am so thankful you have contacted me.  For this Item has been destroying me from the inside.  I normally wouldn’t consider parting ways with it, but the burden has grown so heavy… so heavy.   Given your expressed written need for The Item, I have full confidence that you are the one that can assume responsibility for it and its tremendous powers.

Please send your company’s agent to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro at midnight at the next full moon and bring a female virgin goat.   I will provide the ceremonial obsidian knife.  Your agent may or may not make it back alive, and goat will definitely not make it back alive.

I can only hope that you have the strength to be The New Holder of the Item that I believe that you can be.

Regards,
Jizzy McStiffenpants, Esq. III

Name:  Keeper of the Item
Address: One Item Avenue
City:  Land of the Item
State: New Item
Zip code: 66666
phone#:
Final asking price:  Your Soul

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On being one of the 46 million uninsured Americans.

I’m 21 and a part-time student.  The only time I’ve had medical insurance in the last 10 years was accident and sickness insurance from my college, which was bundled into my massive $43,000 private school tuition costs.  This insurance, had I needed it, would have covered a couple clinic visits, only a couple thousand in hospital bills (maybe an MRI, anything else and I’d be fucked), and $100 worth of Rxes. (My Ambien CR alone was $180 for 30 tablets.)

When I was in high school, my high school referred my mom to NJFamilyCare but we had too much in assets– my parents were living off borrowed money for years.

Things I’ve learned since turning 18 about how to survive without insurance:

1.   Get a reasonable primary care doctor.  Mine’s a dick and will only give me a month refill at a time so I’d have to spend $100 to go in just so he could write me a new script for the same stuff.  If it’s a maintenance medication that you’ve been on for a while, unless you’re being monitored for changes, you should get a 6 month supply.

2 . Planned Parenthood for gynecological health.  I was a little worried I would get sub-par care at an abortion factory, but Planned Parenthood turned out to be the shit.  They were quicker and more professional than my regular gyn, and I will never go back to that lame office (2 month wait for an annual exam, wtf?) again.

Prices vary per clinic, but I went to one for an exam, comprehensive testing (pap, HIV, Chlamydia), and birth control.  I got a 2 months supply of a low-hormone generic birth control right at the clinic and the total bill at the end of the day  $98.

Also, they were able to get me on a prescription assistance program and I was able to get my first shot of the HPV vaccine for only $31.

3.  On that note, you can ask your physician about prescription assistance programs, for certain medications.  They’re usually offered by the pharmaceutical company and go by the federal poverty line for income.

4.  AAA prescription discount.  If you cant afford insurance, most likely you can’t afford a motor club plan, but in case you do, you can get Rx discount.

5.   Keep your eye open for free deals.  Some hospitals offer free clinics for routine procedures like breast exams and pap smears.  I’ve seen flyers for these clinics in doctor’s offices.

The dentist I switched to offered a free exam and free Xray to all new customers, so I coupled that with a cleaning, all for $90.

6.  Ask questions and avoid unnecessary testing.  Every time a doctor recommends a procedure, ask how much it will cost.  If you don’t understand why you need it, ask why.

If you’re in the ER, ask if your doctor is a resident, what year (first years have the least experience), and if they cleared all procedures with their attending.

Doctors are not infallible human beings.  Thousands of mistakes are made each year and sometimes people die as a result.  If something really doesn’t feel right, get a second opinion.

JWH: A Fake Pot Review

I smoked Spice Blend a few years ago.  It tasted like marshmallows and made me feel only mildly euphoric.

I have not smoked salvia.  I’ve heard mixed things about it.  But I have smoked something that was purportedly JWH-018 or some other chemically similar cannabinoid agonist.   I smoked it twice.  Both times I tripped balls.  And they were not fun balls.

First a little about JWH, fake weed.  It works on the CB1 and CB2 receptors in the brain, with some selectivity for CB2. This makes it different from marijuana as the active ingredient there, THC, primarily binds to CB1.  Result of this difference for me = bad trip.

I smoked a large joint the first time.  It was cool at first; I felt moderately high and ate munchables and cleaned my room.   Then I fell asleep for about 40 minutes.  I woke up feeling panicky and ended up calling a friend to talk me down from it.  I wasn’t hallucinating but something about reality just felt “off” and I didn’t feel like being alone.

Despite this meh experience, I didn’t want to waste my 20 dollars, so I ended up smoking the rest a week or so later.  The second bowl in, I started feeling a little weird, so I decided to take a warm shower in hopes of calming down.

Mid-shower things started feeling really weird.  The easiest way to describe it was like the movie Being John Malkovich, like the scene where Lotte is first sucked into John Malkovich’s body and watches him shower from a first person point of view.  I watched myself slowly grab the shampoo bottle, put it back down, lather.  Grab the conditioner bottle, put it back down, lather.  There was something about the mindless, repetitive nature of the tasks that was really abstract and dehumanizing.

I wrapped a towel around myself and walked to my bedroom.  I sat on the bed and looked at myself in the vanity mirror.  I ran my fingers through my wet hair.  I’m not sure how many times I ran my fingers through my hair but there was something about the sensation that was intriguing.  I sat there, wrapped in a towel, dripping wet and tripping out, thinking I was in some sort of purgatory where the only items of reality that I had control over were my fingers and my wet hair.

After what was only about 30 minutes but seemed like eternity, I became aware of the fact that I could control myself.  I walked to my closet, picked out clothes, got dressed, and lay back down on my bed, coming down from the experience.

It’s not something I would do again.

Overcoming that Bitch Named Depression: A Guide from Someone Intelligent who has Been There

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” –Hemingway, died 1961 by self-inflicted shotgun wound.

When I first started writing this, I tackled it much like self-help books tackle depression, common sense.  “Are you sleeping enough, eating well, and balancing your work and recreational life in a personally and spiritually fulfilling manner?  If not, identify the problems and take logical steps to fix them.”

After a paragraph in, I realized that this method was full of shit.  Because chances are, if you’re depressed and on WordPress reading this article, you’re just as intelligent and self-aware as I am.  And logic-based psychotherapy just didn’t fly with me, because the problem wasn’t in my thought patterns (I like my thought patterns);  it was how I processed emotion with these thought patterns.

I’m still a pessimistic realist. I still have the fundamental personal problems that precipitated my most recent bout of severe depression.

But I’m happy now.

I got there was by following the route that best suited me.  These were what I identify as my three (not so simple) steps out of depression:

  1. Get meds
  2. Get friends
  3. Get laid (love)

For some people, 12 step programs are the way to go.  It’s not for me.   I’m not down with the Judeo-Christian undertones and way the members of AA and such victimize themselves to abstract concepts that help them psychologically absolve responsibility for what are arguably self-induced problems.

Let me elaborate in a cut what constituted my three-step process.  I can only hope that it provides a helpful template for others. Read more…