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Oh no! 4chan slang has permeated the zeitgeist. Whatever shall we do?

Despite what you may have thought from this post’s title and my utterly sexy command of the syntax and mechanics of the English language, I am writing today to defend the use of these fail-chan spawned, meme-generating words.

Indeed, I am guilty of slipping out an “epic” or a “fail” in my real life speech–evidence that the semantics of these units of language have transgressed their e-print abode, and 4chan deserves a note in the OED.

What makes me not an asshole is that I don’t deign to believe that my usage of these words is witty or original. It’s when you start posting terrible one-liners on forums using these bastardizations of the English language like you’re the funniest person in the world that you become that person no one likes.

People also don’t like anal-retentive nitpickers. Fail Blog is popular for a reason. Get over it, you English elitists.

Categories: Social commentary Tags: elitist, English, epic, fail, maddox

photo by Angela Weiss/WireImage.com – July 30, 2011

Despite what the Internet says, I don’t think the dress is so bad. Also, her boobs look just large, not the horrifying Zeppelin-levels most often associated with the Bay Watch babe.  Her face, however, looks like someone botoxed a Halloween decoration and then applied fake eyelashes.

That’s about all I have to say about the matter, because Pam Anderson doesn’t really deserve an entire post.

Fun fact: If you enter “boobs” into Google’s new “What do you love?” site it autocorrects as kittens.  “Boobies” is still golden, though.

Categories: Pop-culture Tags: 44, autocorrect, birthday, boobies, boobs, Google, pam anderson, Pamela anderson, what do you love?

It’s either depressing news or amusing non-news.  Nothing good ever happens in the real world.

Speaking of The Real World, The Village Voice analyzes the casting contract people who are on the show have to sign and interprets thusly:

You may die, lose limbs, and suffer nervous breakdowns… You may be humiliated and explicitly portrayed “in a false light…”  Interacting with other cast members carries the risk of “non-consensual physical contact” and should you contract AIDS, etc. during such an interaction, MTV is not responsible… If you get kicked off the show, it will be filmed.

Who wants to help me make my casting video?

In the news, Fareed Zakaria tells everyone what they already know, except Joe Lieberman, about defense spending.  The stocks and GDP take a dump, but they’re just correcting themselves in the foreground of the shitty economy.  And a Swedish man is arrested for trying to go CERN in his kitchen and split some atoms.  Darwin award nominee?

I need something happy. Here is Planet of the Apes getting loose with some Benny Benassi. With glowsticks!

Categories: Knowledge has vagina dentata so don’t you fuck with it Tags: fareed zakaria, glow sticks, planet of the apes, real world

Nerdy Pick Up Lines

From Biology to Music to Math, here are my all-time favorite pick up lines for geeks and nerds.

Some rights reserved by silkegb

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10. If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

9.  I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

8.  I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?

7. Baby, I’ll treat you like my homework — I’ll slam you on the table and do you all night long.

6. I’m a fermata… hold me.

5. You know, it’s not the length of the vector that counts, it’s how you apply the force.

4. If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?

3. I wish I was an ion so I could bond with you.

2. Our love is like dividing by zero… you cannot define it.

1.   And my favorite nerdy pick up line of all time…

Roses are #FF0000

Violets are #0000FF

All my base are belong to you

Categories: Nerd Out Tags: geeky, nerdy, pick up lines, puns, unzip your genes

A Hitler Cat via thisischris.com

Happy August and Happy Monday.

There was an article that was all over the news this weekend, creating a palliative effect to counter the raging panic attacks and gross economic despair Congress has beset upon us, in which a cat in England couldn’t get adopted because it had a black patch of fur that looked like a Hitler ‘stache.

Spoiler alert: The cat was eventually adopted.

Because, really, who doesn’t want a cat that looks like Hitler? (And secretly want to paint stars of David onto mice and have an adorable, historically inaccurate photo shoot.) The Cats that Look Like Hitler blog knows what’s good.

In other news that doesn’t suck, Olivia Wilde had a psuedo-nip slip during the filming of her new movie, The Change-up, in which Ryan Reynold’s hand slipped, revealing the pasty which covered her real nipple.  She reported on Jimmy Kimmel that it wasn’t a big deal since computer graphic technology has achieved a level where we can digitally insert a nipple post-production.

Wilde:

I got to approve the nipples! […] They sent me an e-mail and they were like, ‘Please review nipple cover shot one through seven and decide which one is most like the original.’

I wonder if any of the stock nipples were men’s.  If somebody who knows how to make flash games is reading this please make a “man or woman nipple?” game.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: hitler cat, hitler kitten, nipple, olivia wilde, The change-up

You’ve been Chikorita-rolled!

I wanted to do some real writing these past couple days, but I have to do 20 hours of Continuing Education to renew my Pharmacy Technician Board Certification.  The modules have nothing to do with my job since I’m not allowed to counsel patients, but it’s a formality to say I’m all dedicated to my job and shit.  I’ve learned way more about Ulcerative Colitis than I ever wanted to.  Never become an adult, it sucks.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: chikorita, pokemon, PTCB, ulcerative colitis

Today was a good day.  It wasn’t one of those “oh, nothing bad happened” or “holy shit, I won the lotto and got married” kind of days.  It was just one of those days where a bunch of little nice things added up to sunshine and happy.

Apparently, Obama gave a speech last night.  This is what he said:

 I like to cave. But this time I’m not caving. I tried to cave a little, but they wanted me to cave a lot. Economy go boom. America sad.

I actually didn’t watch it.  But apparently Obama’s call for people to call Boehner and tell him he’s a boner worked.  Click here to e-mail Boehner and tell him he’s a boner.

Anyway, back to the good times!

I won $5 at the last flash fiction contest at Boxing With Pencils.  I got a free pair of panties at Victoria’s Secret.  I sampled every tea they have for sampling at Teavanna.  I bought cute shorts with a free belt for only $10.  I helped a lady at the community college register for classes.  I wrote an topic page for Cracked.com about Zebrafish.  Zebrafish are awesome.

You’re also awesome.  Never forget to be awesome.

Categories: Autobiographical Stories Tags: Boehner, Cracked, debt ceiling, debt speech, debt talks, good day, obama, teavanna, zebrafish