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A Bloodsucking Plague of the Skin

Your Foot

If you work full-time at a job that requires standing and wearing shoes, the foot is an absolutely nightmare to get a bite on.  There’s no other way to reach it unless you have a giant scratchy stick; you have to lift your leg up or bend over to scratch.  If you’re bitten here, be prepared to look awkward in public.

 Your Ear

The skin here is so sensitive and the ear is so tiny.  If you have short hair, a big bite will look like a giant red zit, protruding from the side your head.

 Your Armpit

As surreptitiously as you might try to scratch it, you will not be able to avoid looking a hick. Sweat + bite in a hot place is a recipe for itching. Putting deodorant on top of it probably isn’t good for it either.

Your Face

Nothing says social suicide like a swelled up tumorous mass on your face.  Be ready to answer the question “Are you okay?” with a look of annoyance and tirade against the entire race of mosquitoes.

Your Diddly Do Dads

I have never experienced this indescribably horrifying situation.  But apparently others on the Internet have.

Mosquito bite remedies include Benadryl cream, hydrocortisone cream, calamine lotion, and vinegar.  Although I would ask a medical professional before putting any of these on your diddly do dads.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: mosquito, mosquito bite, remedies

Kim Booty Bounce:  

After drumming out what seemed to be the essence of her soul, Kim Schifino grabs a mic and leaps up onto her bass drum. The crowd goes wild at this gesture and throws their hands in the air, trying to match her height. Huddles of friends clasp each other around the back and jump together in a chaotic, frenzied unison. Matt & Kim tell New York they know how to party like no other city on a Wednesday night, and the cheers that came from Terminal 5 on June 29, 2011 agreed.

Suite 101 owns my rights for a year.  Read the rest of my review there:  http://www.suite101.com/content/matt–kim-sidewalks-concert–terminal-5-review-a377900

Categories: Reviews Tags: concert, kim schifino, Matt & Kim, matt johnson, review, show, sidewalks, Terminal 5

Polling lower than ever, Chris Christie is failing the lady electorate. What issues do women voters care about and what can the NJ Gov. do to change?

Read my article here:  http://www.suite101.com/content/how-chris-christie-can-win-back-women-voters-a377638

Also, if you love me enough when you get there, disable your popup blocker and click on all the ads on the page (no malware I swear!). My freelance ass needs ad revenue.

Categories: Politics or: the art of looking for trouble Tags: Chris Christie, Governor, New Jersey, poll, popularity, state politics, women

I bought my Macbook on a whim, a very expensive whim, three years ago.  A daily user, I do not regret it a bit.  I love this thing; it’s pretty much my traveling companion. But for my Apple loyalty, the PC-loving blogosphere calls me foolish, pretentious, and technically illiterate.

From a financial-technical standpoint, I understand Macs are expensive and you can get more raw speed and power for your buck otherwise.  A computer science major with Asperger’s who was painfully trying to court me, once turned on my Macbook and, referring to the boot time, said, “It’s so SLOW!”

If I was a gamer, maybe I would care.  But I’m not.  I’m not going to go into a technical spiel, but I don’t mind compromising 60 seconds of my day (no, I didn’t bother counting because I’m not anal retentive) for day-long software stability.

Here’s what I know about my laptop compared to my friend’s laptops that run Windows:

It’s lightweight.  It has excellent battery life.  It never overheats and I can often leave it on my lap for hours comfortably.  The interface is aesthetically pleasing.  The software rarely has problems.  It has frozen to require a reboot maybe twice in its entire life, and that’s statistically impressive considering I’ve used it everyday for three years.

After accidentally dropping it on concrete, part of the main logic board affecting the battery got damaged, and I took it to the Genius bar.  The customer service was excellent, and when I got my Macbook back in 3 days after being shipped out and shipped back, in addition to fixing the problem, they had replaced the keyboard (one button stuck a little cause I spilled something), fixed a chipped corner, and cleaned the entire casing impeccably to look like new.

I’m sure 10 years ago, finding compatible software for Mac OS was a pain.  But the gap is closing. Things I’ve found to be incompatible:  A couple crappy flashdrives.  Verizon’s music software for my phone (big loss, my iPod nano is better). And .exe files from megavideo ads that want to install malware.

Maybe if I were an IT developer, I’d stick with Windows out of practicality.  Maybe if I wanted to play MMORPGs all day, I’d want my own custom desktop with beefy memory and CPU speed.  Maybe if I wanted to code, I’d be a Unix-head.

But I just want to be able to write papers in Word, occasionally Photoshop something, and have 10 tabs open at once in Chrome without it crashing.  For these functions, Apple has fulfilled my needs.

Categories: Autobiographical Stories, Reviews Tags: Apple, Genius bar, Mac, Macbook. Mac OS, PC, Windows

As with my Gopher versus Groundhog post, I would like to clarify that I do not endorse underground emu/ostrich fighting rings.

I was at the Prospect Park zoo in Brooklyn, and there was some funny-lookin’ bird looking at me. I wasn’t sure it was an emu or an ostrich, so I did some research.

The verdict:  due to its blue head, I declare it an emu.

Emus are native to Australia. Ostriches are native to Africa. Ostriches are larger, up to 2.75 meters tall and up to 340 pounds. By contrasts, emus are about 2 meters tall and 120 pounds. Ostriches are the fastest running bird with top land speeds of 60.6 mph. Emus can run half that speed. Ostriches have two toes; emus have three.

Emus are darker in general, with dark brown, gray, and fine black feathers. During mating season, the skin on both male and female emu necks will turn blue. Ostriches have a thicker plumage with white heads. With emus the female attracts the male, but with ostriches the male pursues the female.

Who would win in a fight? Probably the ostrich.

Here’s a video of two ostriches fighting in the wild: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0HkAIyZRn8

Here is a video of an emu being creepy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO8u1hSmuWc

But the emus got one cool thing over the ostriches. This is an emu egg:

It’s all green and oblong and cool-looking! Ostrich eggs just look like giant chicken eggs, but this thing looks like fell out of a dinosaur. All around, I’d say the emu gets points for being weirder.

Categories: things that amuse me Tags: emu, fight, ostrich, prospect park

I normally reserve this type of stuff for my tumblr, but I’ll make an exception for Ze because he’s awesome.  Also bandcamp has a specific embed code for wordpress and that’s also awesome.

“Today can go fuck a diseased donkey.”  Take that, day.

Best song for a bad day since Ze Franks social following remixed Whip Somebody’s Ass.

He also has a book based on his Young Me, Now Me project that’s available for pre-order on Amazon.  And dear boyfriend, if you’re reading this, it is on my amazon wishlist and will come out shortly before my birthday.

Categories: things that amuse me, Viral Things Tags: bad day, song, whip somebody’s ass, young me now me, ze frank

Clicking on WordPress’s Site Stats obsessive compulsively? Admit it, there’s something psychologically rewarding about knowing that people are clicking on your blog pages and perhaps even reading them fully. Here are some sites that I’ve pimped my own links on and have gotten results:

StumbleUpon

If you got here from SU, Thumbs Up!  The only toolbar I ever truly loved. If you’re not familiar with it, the idea behind StumbleUpon is very simple. You thumbs up or thumbs down pages and, using the patterns of what you like and don’t like, it will find similar pages for you.

I once “liked” my own page, added tags to it, and within an hour that page had 500 new hits. The view rate went down after that raging hour, and it didn’t happen to the other page I “liked” and tagged at the same time, but still… something happened there and I continue to get modest hits from StumbleUpon.

Yahoo! Answers

Find questions with a topic on which you have written, answer the question simply, and then cite yourself, noting that there’s more information on the blog page. Yahoo Answers isn’t just limited to searches from Yahoo users; a lot of these pages will come up with specific Google search terms as well.

Reddit

Given the number of contributors to the social news network reddit, you might think you’ll get overlooked. But if you have a clever, topical, or funny post title, the chances of getting hundreds of hits increases expotentionally.

Your Facebook, Twitter, Google Buzz, etc.

I wouldn’t recommend posting to your personal social network sites every time you publish, but if there’s something interesting or you’re really proud of that you think some of your friends will like, it can’t hurt. Be careful though if you’re writing something NSFW and are friends with your mom.

General advice to increase page traffic:

Post comments on other similar wordpress posts to your own. But don’t link to yourself solely as a blatant self-promotion, because that would be rude. Add more insight or a different perspective and make it clear you read that author’s post as well.

If you write specifically on a certain topic, it might be worth the effort to join a forum on that topic to find readers with an interest in your content.

Despite a common belief, adding more tags will not inherently increase page traffic. Tags will help search engines properly categorize but will not help the search engines add you to their databases. Pings, however, are a different story. Here is a great short description of pinging.

If I forgot any good sites or tips, feel free to leave a comment!

Categories: How To Tags: blog tips, blog traffic, popularity, reddit, self-promote, site stats, social network, stumbleupon, tags