My Blog

December 2015

When you don’t sleep for several days, you start to hallucinate. Some people it’s visual, they start seeing things move that aren’t there. For me, it was the auditory sense that started going first. I heard chanting in the fan—deep, guttural, alien chanting.

When I was able to fall asleep it was for two hours maximum and there were no dreams. I continued like that for a while, sleeping only one or two hours every two days. The physical discomfort slowly became too much. All my muscles hurt. It was hard to eat hold food down. There was nothing but pain ahead. The time to end it all had come.

I tried to hang myself from the disability bar in the bathroom. I used ¼” thick nylon rope and made a simple slip knot. I didn’t even try breathing so I don’t know if it was enough to occlude the airways. But what it didn’t do was work in cutting off the blood supply to and from the brain. (In chokeholds, the trick to make people pass out fast is to occlude both the carotid artery and jugular vein.) I let my body drop hoping the pressure would be enough to choke myself out. It wasn’t. I wasn’t counting how long I hung, but it was obvious I wasn’t anywhere close to losing consciousness. I gave up. I cried in the bathtub with noose around my neck.

I had bruising around my neck and hurt to swallow for several days. I didn’t even try to hide it. Long hair and unobservant mom and boyfriend were enough.

If my next shipment of ambien hadn’t come in during the next couple days I probably would have tried again. Something more drastic and reckless probably like try to stab myself in the neck. I told the person who mailed it to me that they saved my life. I wasn’t exaggerating.