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Spoiler Alert: The hammer is his penis.

78% fresh on rottentomatoes. Aren’t you proud, Marvel? Never before have I seen such a successful rendition of King Arthur meets Lord of the Rings meets Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. If there’s one major fault in the movie it’s that we didn’t get to see enough of Chris Hemsworth hairless chistled chest so touted in the trailer. They even covered up Anthony Hopkin’s old, ugly mug with prosthetics to make him look even more old and ugly! I love famous actors when they’re unrecognizable.

In Norse mythology, Thor, son of Odin, is a hammer-wielding god associated with thunder, lightning, storms, oak trees, strength, destruction, and the protection of mankind. In Mavel movie universe, Thor is an testosterone-overloaded, extraterrestrial prince from Asgard (henceforth known as Assguard) who is hating on the rival race of monstrous Frost Giants.  These Avatar-esque beings with all the charisma of Alaskan politicians put Thor’s panties in a bunch when they ruin his ascension to the throne ceremony with a failed attempt to steal back their Blue Ball Box of Eternal Frigidness.

Thor takes a retribution trip to the Frost Giants’ barren homeworld only to be stopped by daddy Odin. Terrified of his son’s rising Oedipus complex, Odin strips Thor of his Mojo and banishes him from Assguard. The aggro ex-prince is then ejaculated across the universe via the Celestial Sphincter down unto the Shithole of Earth where he is hit by a car driven with the acting ability of Princess Padmé.

Completing their supporting cast with the politically correct inclusivity of the Power Rangers, Marvel even managed to throw in an Asian guy, a Black guy, and a Hot Chick as Thor’s loyal sidekicks.

Why the Asian guy from Assguard has a Chinese accent I’ll never know. But why do you need to know? Hey look, abs.

I don’t care to know where the Iron Man prototype came from. Or why its sad excuse for a fight scene happened in a place as boring as in front of 7-11. Or where Loki acquired a snazzy suit when visiting Earth and later, the Pokémon move of Double Team. Plus, there are much more pressing questions like, Will Thor ever be able to pull his tool out of the giant, dry hole?

After all the innuendo, including something called “bi-thrusters” and avoiding tapping that fine Harvard graduate ass (Portman, not the guy who is typecast as the Good Will Hunting math professor), it is obvious Thor struggles with some serious repressive psychological issues. Even after being called out by his brother that Padmé made him “soft,” Thor cannot accept his sexuality. Alas, Thor ends up breaking apart Assguard’s Rainbow Bridge with his Trusty Hammer. Which makes me wonder what kind of soul-searching film the second film will explore. Thor 2: U Can’t Touch This? This disappointing venture through Ursa Minor’s colon will hopefully be no damper in Marvel’s fluid, seminal output of otherwise fine superhero flicks.