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I tried to continue my Annotated Transcript series. But, honestly I’m burned out, and this debate was dryer than Michelle Bachmann’s vagina. If only Mitt Romney would awkwardly touch an inflammed Rick Perry. It would have almost made those 90 or so minutes of my life worth it.

Full video here:

The one part that made my blood boil Ron Paul was towards the end when they asked Ron Paul about wildly inflated education costs and he somehow ended his statement by suggesting to audit the Fed.

Inflation has risen 250% since 1978. Tuition costs have risen over 900%. We already have private colleges; where’s your free market now? According to Ron Paul’s answer, somehow subsidized loans are the cause.

I’ve had a superficial bet for sexual favors going since early last year that Mitt Romney was going to win out over Perry. It’s looking like I’m getting some. By the time I made this bet, I had already won my bet that Mike Huckabee wouldn’t run, but hindsight 20/20, Mike Huckabee must be crying himself to sleep every night for not running.

The Winner of the Debate:

Jim Cramer – for braving national TV without the context of funny sound effects.

Categories: Politics or: the art of looking for trouble Tags: CNBC debate, CNBC debate full video, CNBC debate winner, GOP primary, Michigan debate

Admiral Bachmann talking about Anchor Babies.

“To a state… where dreams are made and crushed.” -Real quote from the 10/18/11 debate opener, unlike the rest of this post.

Welcome the annotated transcript of The Real World: Las Vegas. I mean, Western Republican/CNN Presidential Primary Debate. Snort your hopes and dreams in Nevada.

Anderson Cooper takes a break from encouraging kids to break their necks to grace us with his silver fox presence for yet another liberal-media-makes-awkward-conservative-associations debate.

Rick Perry: “Waving my hands desperately to address the American People makes me more credible.”

Herman Cain: “I should have gotten an immunity pendant from the last debate.”

Michelle Bachmann: “My flashy outfit could not compensate for CNN’s 5-person-wide camera shot of the stage and their strategic placement of me at the end.”

Newt Gingrich: “I found my centrist God while on a nuclear vision quest on Yucca Mountain.”

Ron Paul: “Avoid the question. Avoid the question. Talk about freedom. Avoid the question.”

Rick Santorum: “Being a massive dick will help me seem more straight.”

Mitt Romney: “I’m going to knife Rick Santorum backstage after this show. I’m not going to bother with Rick Perry, because I think he’s already accidentally knifed himself.”

My analysis of the last debate, specifically the 9-9-9 plan is here. Annotated transcripts of previous debates here and here.

@ChaseRoper tweets, “I’m feverishly taking notes of this debate so I can work up a spec script and pitch it as Saw VIII. #tweetthepress #GOPdebate”

Categories: Politics or: the art of looking for trouble Tags: CNN debate, Las Vegas debate, live-blog, Nevada Debate, October 18 debate, western republican leadership conference

Herman Cain grabbing the voluptuous bosom of America.

In the October 12, 2011 Bloomberg GOP primary debate, Michelle Bachmann reveals that Herman Cain’s chief economic advisor is, in fact…

When you turn it upside-down, I think the Devil’s in the details.


[Insert picture of Beelzebub writing reforms of IRS tax code in the blood of middle-class Americans.]

Yes, the big debate last night centered around Herman’s “9-9-9 plan,” which would change the federal income, cooperate, and sales tax from “What the fuck are they now?” each to a flat 9%. The plan was mentioned a total of 85 times in the debate and repeatedly confused with the price of a 16″ pie with extra cheese.

When pressed by moderators on his specific economic counsel, Cain deflected from his involvement in the Dark Arts and cited Some Guy from Cleveland, Ohio.

Satan could not be reached directly for commentary, but his press secretary told reporters:

We will roast the non-believers over pits of burning skin made from the flesh flayed off their own backs.

The rest of the debate went as expected with all the candidates rolling around in their collective sweet sweet lie juices. Charlie Rose reaffirmed his role in American media as the witty but serious, wise wizard of interviewers. And the Dartmouth college students who showed up in the audience out of intellectual respect for knowing “the other side” remained too stoned to effectively analyze the debate.

Satirical “Annotated Transcripts” of past debates here and here.  Live-blog of the Tea Party debate from Sept. here.

Categories: satire Tags: 9-9-9 plan, 999 plan, Bloomberg debate analysis, devil’s plan, GOP primary debate, Herman Cain, October 12 debate, satire

Rick Santorum awkwardly pretending he’s not suing one of the sponsors of this debate.

Not only is Google-Fox an awkward partnership, but Rick Santorum, who seemingly forgot how freedom of speech works, is in the middle of litigating Google because his children can’t Google search his name.

Mitt Romney: “My book has absolutely no lies and has been ratified by Massachusetts, our Founding Fathers, and Joseph Smith. But nice try, Rick Perry, nice try.”

Rick Perry: “I have no articulate rebuttal to Mr. Great Hair, because I have the debate skills of a drunk marmoset. I would, however, like to see Cain and Gingrich mate and make their lovechild my VP.”

Jon Huntsman: “I can prove I’m less of an asshole this round!”

Herman Cain: “We can fix everything because everything is broken! Just use the Chilean model (minus the trapped miners).”

Rick Santorum: “I forgot what DADT was.”

Michelle Bachmann: “I forgot that Ronald Reagan actually had a lower approval rating than Obama has right now.”

Ron Paul: “I’m only relevant in straw polls!”

Newt Gingrich: “I’m only relevant in the 90s!”

Gary Johnson: “Since Tim Pawlenty is out I claim his ‘Who the Fuck is That Guy?” title!”

FOX Crowd: “Where’s the tail-gate party for racist homophobes?”

Read the live-blog from the last debate, the CNN/Tea Party debate, here or my annotated transcript from the September Politico debate here.

Read the real, full transcript at Politisite. Or watch TPM’s Debate in 100 Seconds video. Some of the jokes here (like the Cain-Gingrich lovechild joke) will make more sense if you do.

Categories: Politics or: the art of looking for trouble Tags: Fox news, Google, GOP primary, GOP Primary candidates, GOP primary debate, Rick Santorum, September 22

This is a spontaneous endeavor, so bear with me.  Popping my liveblogging cherry!

8:03  I haven’t watched many debate openings, but is that how networks normally present them?  ”Rick Santorum – The Fighter?”  Isn’t “the guy who needs to quit now or will go broke” a more appropriate epithet?  I love how they later referred to Herman Cain as the “pizza guy.”  Is this a debate or a reality TV Show?  I guess both.

8:10  Wolf Blitzer indeed has a glorious beard.

8:13 Nice of you to talk to Michelle Bachmann first, unlike MSNBC’s snubbing of her last time.  Her answer was still terrible though.

8:18  “We’re having a conversation, right now.”  Mitt Romney to Rick Perry.  The moderators are letting some bickering go on.  The crowd loves it.  The “ooh ooh ooh ohh!” coming from the crowd is deserving of some fist-pumping.

8:30 I wasn’t really paying attention to Mitt Romney’s talk about growing the private sector, because I was busy admiring at his gorgeous salt and peppered coiffure.

8:39 “[The stimulus] created zero jobs.”  Rick Perry blatantly lies.

[The Indecision Live-blog  says, “Does Ron Paul for serious think that we’d ever elect a person who wears a plaid tie?”]

[Andrew Sullivan says Rick Perry has a “smug teflon smirk that this crowd is lapping up… As he strutted onto the stage he looked like a rooster in an Italian suit.”  Accurate analysis.]

8:49  Finally a Ronald Reagan reference. Thanks Newt!

8:58 Michelle Bachman talking about leashes.  Fiscal… Discipline!

9:07 If this was a slow talking contest, Rick Perry would win.  He’s so ashamed of his Gardasil stint.

9:09  Still, I get the impression Rick Perry is really afraid of dying of cervical cancer.

9:20 Ron Paul wants to legalize “alternative” medicine.  That’s the cure for rising health care costs. Leeches for everyone!

9:25 “I’m Wolf Blitzer, now back to the… psych! Back to commercials.”  What was the point of that?  Thanks for letting me know your name, Wolf Blitzer.

9:31 Ooh, Rick Perry got his first boos.  I’m glad the mods and other candidates are calling out RP on his hypocrisy.

9:38  My immigration attorney boyfriend got Jon Huntsman’s H1-B reference. He’s the only one.

9:46 What would you bring the White House if you moved in?  A Bible.  A Bible.  Another Bible.  An army of unvaccinated foster children.  And not Mexicans.

9:50 There’s nothing I want more than a creepy bust of Winston Church in my house.

That’s a wrap!  All that happened tonight is that we’re reminded that Michelle Bachmann is against the violation of little girls, Rick Perry regrets violating little girls, and Tea Partiers will boo at anything that doesn’t involve wrapping themselves in the copies of the Constitution to ward off the terrorists (and the Mexicans).

Click here to read to my annotated transcript of the Sept. 7 Politico-sponsored bitch-fest.

Categories: Politics or: the art of looking for trouble Tags: CNN debate, GOP primary, live-blogging, liveblogging, Tea Party

Mitt Romney holding an invisible baby.

Newt Gingrich: “I’m a Democrat tonight!”

Rick Perry: “Fuck Mitt Romney.  (And the Mexicans. Execute them all.)”

Mitt Romney: “Don’t listen to Rick Perry.  Massachusetts is special.”

Rick Santorum:  ”I’m sorry.  My mouth is too full of fecal matter to make a difference.”

Ron Paul:  ”The free market will always give it to me better than Rick Santorum.”

Herman Cain: “I would have good talking points, if only the audience didn’t want to lynch me.”

Jon Huntsman: “I’m above these partisan politics.  Not.”

Michelle Bachmann: “Stop stealing my thunder!”

Everybody: “Barack Obama is a failure and socialist!  Lower taxes!  I will suck the embalmed cock of Ronald Reagan!”


You’re welcome.

For the real debate, watch it on Politico or read the full transcript from NYT.

Categories: Politics or: the art of looking for trouble, satire Tags: GOP primary debate, lower taxes, Mitt Romney, Politico, Republican debate, rick perry, Ronald Reagan Library, September 7