Home > Autobiographical Stories, Knowledge has vagina dentata so don't you fuck with it > TIL Baby Deer Have a Crappy Defense Mechanism

TIL Baby Deer Have a Crappy Defense Mechanism

I found this little guy/girl?  just lying on my lawn today, right out in the open next to a fallen branch.

I walked right up to it and it didn’t stir an inch, not even blink.

Probably less than 2 weeks old, its presence confused me:  Should I try to cover it from the rain? Shoo it back into the woods? Call animal control? Funny, how human babies are such hideous creatures, but fluffy critters (It had spots! On its nose!) can elicit something of a maternal instinct. Where did evolution go wrong there.

Google revealed that mother deer just do that–leave their babies alone to curl up all comatose-like while they forage for food. Considering its placement, deer obviously still do not understand suburbia.

[EDIT:  A reader writes me, “You shouldn’t ever go up to a deer like that. Or else the mom will show up and KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.”]

It disappeared, presumably with its mom, an hour later.

Maybe we’ll meet again one day, baby deer. But if we do, it’ll probably be a meeting of your lack of understanding about civilization and my car.  Rats with hooves.

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