Ahoy 2011. The second week of the 6th month of the year is already over. Unless more interesting things start happening in the next half of the year, jibjab’s yearend video is going to be 30 seconds long and consist entirely of a certain liberal disappointment’s weiner.
Continuing the X-men movie franchise pattern of excellent casting and okay everything else, X-men: First Class has so far been the only decent action movie of the summer. Correctness to comic canon and history aside, all I wanted to see was Magneto fuck some Soviets up, and it almost but didn’t quite deliver.
You already know what I think about Thor. I didn’t see Jack Sparrow, exclusive edition, because I don’t like rum catch phrases enough to justify $12 and 2 hours of Johnny Depp. I also didn’t see Rango, but believe that any motion picture with that that amount of short-sleeve, Hawaiian shirt requires more PCP.
2. Rock Music
Rock artists I found significant in high school that released crappy albums this year: Foo Fighters, Incubus (anticipated), and Death Cab for Cutie.
Looking at the Billboard current rock 100 I’m depressed that I’m most impressed by Rise Against. Also, Korn apparently decided that its krumper fan base was not large enough and incorporated dubstep demon Skillrex, known for synthesizing the sick beats of a giraffe fucking a tugboat.
Linkin Park, I remember you fondly in my bad poetry-laden teenage years as the angry but catchy musical backdrops to badass mechabot warfare–a deep, complex music video metaphor for neglectful parents and broken post-pubescent hearts. But when last year’s “Waiting for the End” was released, I could only think, how apt a song title for your career. Really, your most recent music is the soundtrack to the most boring mid-life crisis ever.
3. Republican Presidential Contenders
Mama bear of Minnesota, Michelle Bachman. She eats insanity and shits crazy. Like Joan of Arc she’s a tragic figure in that she’s blatantly out of her mind, but someone gave her power anyway. In Bachmanland, chlorofluorocarbons cure cancer, progressive taxation makes all of her 23 foster children cry, and Obama wants to stick his icky black power fingers in the assholes of Muslim dictators and then marry them.
T-Paw. The only thing I know about him is the mononym T-Paw.
Then there’s the guy “who looks like every guy who ever fired your dad.” Oh Mitt Romney. You are the awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and end up walking in the same direction. You have the charisma of a school bus fire. If you lose the actual Presidency in 2012, I’m quite certain you have the hairline to play the Presidency in every action film that will ever be made.
And then there are some other people who don’t matter and one who will remain unnamed that likes to pretend she still does.
Runner-ups to the largest disappointments of 2011 thus far include the unemployment rate and mid-season finale of South Park.