Badass of the Week: The Zebrafish

No, this isn’t going to be a regular weekly segment. Can’t beat the original.  A modified version of this article is republished on Cracked.

I know. I know what you’re thinking: How could this shiny, wimpy-ass, freshwater fish possibly be a badass?  Why didn’t it stay in the Ganges River where it belonged?

Let me ask you a question:  If I pulled out a 9 inch butcher knife and chopped off your fingers gangster-style could you grow them back?

If I chopped off a fin on this fish, it would grow it back.  Why?  Because it’s a badass.  The Zebrafish is the Weapon-X Wolverine of fish.

Not only can they regress their cells into a stem-cell like form and regrow missing body parts, but we have genetically modified them so much, some can now glow in flourescent light.  Real badasses glow in flourescent light.   Haven’t you learned anything from Jersey Shore?

In January 2007, Chinese researchers at Fudan University genetically modified Zebrafish to detect estrogen pollution in lakes and rivers, which is linked to male infertility.  They may save our own children and look innocent, but beware, given the opportunity, these motherfuckers will eat their own hatchlings.

The Zebrafish (D. rerio) has allowed scientific study and advances in the fields of developmental biology, oncology, toxicology, reproductive studies, teratology, genetics, neurobiology, environmental sciences, stem cell and regenerative medicine, and evolutionary theory.   Because Zebrafish can do anything.  I’m pretty sure with the right training we can teach them Kung Fu and to kill on demand.  They’ve even worked for NASA and been to space.

So next time you’re in the pet store and can only afford a badass fish, think Zebrafish.


One thought on “Badass of the Week: The Zebrafish

  1. I used to work in a zebrafish lab. They really are badass. And really tough to catch in their aquariums so there is this huge artificial selection where only the slow and stupid are caught. Still they are not so tough when up against my ablatement laser!

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