I despise clothes shopping. It is my least favorite kind of shopping because you can’t reliably do it all online. I hate the way the sales associates say “how are you?” as if they really care. I hate the cold blank stares from the food-disorder-inducing mannequins with ivory hipbones that could pierce your soul. I hate the way fluorescent lighting in dressing rooms makes everyone look sickly and imperfect and SELF ESTEEM KICK IN THE NUTS.
But most of all I hate the lack of clothing that is both practical and cute. Yes, I am a girl and want to look good. But goddamit, they’re making it so hard.
Just look at this banner from mandee.com
When did clashing become the cool thing to do? “Hello, I am a hippie bimbo-trucker-future teen pregnancy victim! Let my chest mesmerize you with its Mayan intricacy.” Sorry, model, but I’d prefer not to buy sandals that look like what Jesus would have worn. Maybe that outfits works for you, but the average person isn’t followed around by a color-coordinated graphic background.
The next two items are from Macy’s. This new way of ruining perfectly good shirts is called “ruffled.”
What the fuck is with this pseudo-cravat craze? I don’t know how to else to describe it. Leave that shit on a birthday cake in icing form, please.
Another thing which needs to stop is the wanna-be activist tees. And the people who wear them who walk around with their heads up their egotistic asses. The ones who say: I don’t feel like actually volunteering or something practical so I’m just going to buy a $19.99 “save the animals” t-shirt (from the same department store which in the winter will sell full fox fur coats) to make it look like I’m a better person than you! Stop kidding yourself: You have low self-esteem. You just exude it a different way then those who buy hummers to compensate for their penis size.
My friend caught faux pas in Delia’s the other day.
Maddox already covered the next couple items but it’s worth a female perspective.
“Pretty, pretty pleats! Add some texture to your look with this chic chiffon halter top.”
Pretty pleats which eat your teates! You see I have boobs, one of the few things which signify my legality, and I prefer not to look like a 12 year old in a lamp shade. Curves were invented for a reason.
And so much as already been said about our last item, but it doesn’t seem to be helping.
Dear God, they’re gluing rhinestones on them now. Great, not only do they already look like awkward emergency floatation devices eating your feet, but now it looks like a toddler got a hold of them with some Elmer’s glue. Don’t you feel like a pretty pretty princess?
I can’t wait to see what autumn brings us. One time this sale associate at Macy’s asked me what I thought of the new fall jewelry, these bulky brown plastic gemstone bracelets, and I said “They’re tacky.” She responded, “Well that’s what fashion is!”
Really? And here I was thinking it was about aesthetics. My bad.