When you don’t sleep for several days, you start to hallucinate. Some people it’s visual, they start seeing things move that aren’t there. For me, it was the auditory sense that started going first. I heard chanting in the fan—deep, guttural, alien chanting.
When I was able to fall asleep it was for two hours maximum and there were no dreams. I continued like that for a while, sleeping only one or two hours every two days. The physical discomfort slowly became too much. All my muscles hurt. It was hard to eat hold food down. There was nothing but pain ahead. The time to end it all had come.
I tried to hang myself from the disability bar in the bathroom. I used ¼” thick nylon rope and made a simple slip knot. I didn’t even try breathing so I don’t know if it was enough to occlude the airways. But what it didn’t do was work in cutting off the blood supply to and from the brain. (In chokeholds, the trick to make people pass out fast is to occlude both the carotid artery and jugular vein.) I let my body drop hoping the pressure would be enough to choke myself out. It wasn’t. I wasn’t counting how long I hung, but it was obvious I wasn’t anywhere close to losing consciousness. I gave up. I cried in the bathtub with noose around my neck.
I had bruising around my neck and hurt to swallow for several days. I didn’t even try to hide it. Long hair and unobservant mom and boyfriend were enough.
If my next shipment of ambien hadn’t come in during the next couple days I probably would have tried again. Something more drastic and reckless probably like try to stab myself in the neck. I told the person who mailed it to me that they saved my life. I wasn’t exaggerating.
[Update: I got an amazon wishlist with stuff like toothpaste and household products and some groceries. https://amzn.com/w/2PR1VJOFRUSS9 ]
I don’t know who reads this anymore. This was a difficult write.
As you may know, I suffer from severe treatment-resistant major depression and have suffered for many years. I’ve never been able to hold a job or attend school for more than a few months at a time. I have been hospitalized many times and have been on every appropriate pharmaceutical drug that is available. My doctor tell me I’ve run out of pharmaceutical options to try.
I have applied for social security disability, but mental disorder cases can take years to process and will almost always be rejected on the first try. The cash assistance program (TANF) maxes out at 24 months over a lifetime and I have used it up those benefits years ago. I have maxed out my student credit cards slowly over the decade by putting living expenses on it and my bills are several months overdue.
As such, my living conditions have become particularly grim. My boyfriend does not make enough to support 2 people. His contribution to my welfare is one meal a day. I am grateful that he’s not charging me rent.
Last week when i was on my period I used rolled up toilet paper stuffed in my pants for a week because I ran out of hygiene products. I have to manually hold my glasses onto my face, because they are broken and I haven’t been to an optometrist in years. Likewise with my teeth. I’m limited to chewing on one side because cavities on the other side have overgrown my molars.
I have no family to turn to and my boyfriend does not support me besides buying that one meal. So now I’m here, on my old blog, asking my friends for paypal donations to help bridge the gap between now and when i get social security approved. I’m sorry my condition doesn’t have the tragedy or poster value of cancer, but I assure you living with this condition has been significantly painful and disabling. Donations will go to food, personal hygiene items, health care, and utility bills.
The address for paypal is: email@example.com
Here is the link for the send form: https://www.paypal.com/webapps/mpp/send-money-online
If you’d rather send a care package, e-mail me at the same address for information on where to send it to. However, I would prefer a cash donation in order to more directly and efficiently allocate to my needs.
I am extremely embarrassed at the state my life has devolved into over the years and my inability to care for my basic needs.
Please help if you are able. It should go without saying that I will be grateful.
Checklist of Standard Reddit Thread Responses / Upvote and Circlejerk Fodder
 Came here to say this
 Logged in just to upvote this
 I know this will never be seen but…
 I found this gem…
 This will be downvoted to hell/buried but…
 An upvote for you, good sir
 You are a gentleman and a scholar
 You magnificent bastard
 M’lady / tips fedora
 Someone give this man reddit gold
 Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
 Anne Frankly I did nazi that coming
 That escalated quickly
 To the top with you!
 Lost it at ____
 This is why we can’t have nice things
 Faith in humanity restored
 Whoa / mind = blown
 Manly tears were shed
 Cutting onions
 I know that feel, bro
 Right in the feels
 Risky click
 Shots fired
 Nailed it
 You. I like you
 I regret that I only have one upvote to give
 Tree fiddy
 Was not disappointed
 Wait, why do I have you tagged as _______?
 What did I just read?
 Da fuq?
 YOU HAD ONE JOB
 I can’t fap to this
 What are you doing, stahp
 For science
 That’s enough internet for me today
 Would not bang
 x/10 would (not) Y
 What is this I don’t even?
 How is this WTF?
 Something about this list.
 Circlejerk must be leaking
 Lawyer up, delete facebook, hit the gym
 Said no one ever
 I have the weirdest boner right now
 My first post
 Edit: wow I can’t believe my top comment is about _______
 EDIT: Seriously front page? Thanks guys!
 EDIT: Obligatory front page edit!!!
 Are you me?
 No, this is Patrick!
 Directions unclear – dick stuck in _______
 I laughed way harder than I should have
 It’s almost like Reddit is thousands of different people
with thousands of different opinions.
 Plot twist: _____
 Step one: be attractive. Step two: don’t be unattractive.
 Something something broken arms
 ____ here: can confirm / can confirm: am ____/ etc
 Something involving sex with “your mom”
 Mom’s spaghetti
 Tom Cruise
 Ghandi (Gandhi*)
 [________ intensifies]
 Doctors/Moms/Etc HATE him/her
 Jolly Rancher
 Wednesday, the cat
 Broken Arms – Mom jerked him off
The Struggle is Real.
I did my research before singing with a so-called “content farm.”
The last thing I wanted, as a person who considers herself a decent writer, is to be exploited by a company with a selfish agenda that doesn’t respect quality writing. That’s what led to me Suite101, a Canadian-based publishing platform that is currently defunct. Suite101 was a moderately pleasant surprise.
You had to apply and submit a writing sample to start writing for them. You had editors. There was a $10 minimum payout. (Better than say, $50, which most writers will never reach.) The general quality of writing was well beyond the awful spew that is at the most well-known content farm, Examiner.com.
The item in the contract that caught my interest the most with Suite101 is that publishing exclusivity rights expired after a year. If you are a publishing company reading this, and you want to know what good writers are looking for in their contracts, take note now.
Because it’s been over year, I can now repost my content wherever I want and make money doing so. Copyright remains with me. The risk-free autonomy that this contract clause provided was amazing.
Suite101 never mislead me into thinking they were something they were not. They were open about how they made money and what the problems there were when ad revenue was down. They had a forum for the writers where they could connect as a community and give each other tips on how to write and increase readership.
It was a mutually beneficial partnership. I built a portfolio. I made some pocket cash. I learned how to use Google Analytics and I learned a lot more about SEO that will no doubt help me in my future writing endeavors.
Suite101, if you are ever coming back and figure out a sustainable business model, I would be happy to write with you again.
oh Father, I have never known
disappointment like yours.
the crows that left their feet
dented in your drawing board
dive into view as I defy my destiny.
we are reckless because we evolve;
we are mortal and motionless and instincts
for survival collide at ninety degrees:
an instant made solely of broken feathers,
broken glass, and broken blood.
I’ve had this partial poem in medias res stuck in a word document for over 8 years. Like a lot of things in my life, I have no idea how to begin or finish it. So here it is. Something with the potential to come in third place at a poetry reading if only it had a frame.
This is the first time I’m depressed during the summer for no distinct, discernible reason. The variable here is the Seroquel, which is great for the panic disorder, terrible for things like paying attention or enjoying life. Oh, and the being stuck in a poverty trap, because I need to keep my income low to qualify for Medicaid. ‘Merica.
This is a pretty emotive acoustic piano cover of Brand New’s Jesus Christ:
I’m still an atheist, but I’ve always been fascinated with the cultural power of religious imagery and also as literary archetypes. The doctrines might be bullshit, but stories have staying power for a reason. And that’s the part that interests me. How do you pierce the collective consciousness with your words?
Mary Karr does it pretty damn well in this piece that was obviously about David Foster Wallace:
I loved so my ghost might inhabit you and you ingest my beliefin your otherwise-only-probable soul. I wonder does yourdeath feel like failure to everybody who everloved you as if our collective cpr stoppedtoo soon, the defib paddles lost charge, the corpsepunished us by never sitting up. And forgive my convictionthat every suicide’s an asshole. There is a good reason I am notGod, for I would cruelly smite the self-smitten.
I just wanted to say ha-ha, despiteyour best efforts you are every secondalive in a hard-gnawing way for all who breathed you deeply in,each set of lungs, those rosy implanted wings, pink balloons.We sigh you out into air and watch you rise like rain.